Technology
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last
year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000
years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by
the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a
depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers
read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old
fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years
earlier than the English.
One week later, Irish newspapers
reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County
Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They,
therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants
were already using wireless technology.
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Arbeitslosengeld:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.?
The
welfare clerk behind the counter said, ?Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!?
The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
_____________________
On Christmas Eve I had a few beers followed by 2 glasses of red wine. As
I would have been over the limit I decided to do something I had never
done before, and took the bus.
I arrived home safely.
Amazing,
considering I don't know where I got the bus from and had never driven
one before.
_____________
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought these taser guns are well worth the money!
_______________
An old cowboy was explaining to his son that a small amount of gunpowder
on his cereal in the mornings was the key to a long & fruitful
life.
When the son eventually died at the grand old age of 103,
he left behind 11 children, 28 grandchildren, 42 great grandchildren, 23
great-great grandchildren & a 35 foot crater where the crematorium
used to be.
______________
Morning Wind
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He
told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. she
told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow
his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them
out. then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards,
neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought
came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his shorts..
Some time later she heard her
husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the
bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on
the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she
reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She
bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you
were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to
you'.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers. i think i got most of them back in. "
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Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen
an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were
watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls
light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Nick
I 
Samstag, 18. August 2018, 23:57
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