From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. (Only the Irish could think of this).
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!
"decoy" ist ?brigens der Lockvogel (ich musste jedenfalls nachsehen...
)
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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more mugs of Bud.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know a mug
goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time".
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers, one in Arizona
and the other in Colorado. When we left our home in Texas, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my
brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders threes mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh no everybody is just fine," he explains. " It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Cheater
A lady walks into a pharmacy and asks the
pharmacist for some arsenic.
The pharmacist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
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Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Nick
Zitat
Original von Flash
